More Anxiety, Sight OCD, And Some Loneliness

I have to take credit for that title as it is pretty damn catchy if I do say so myself. That title right there, it could make millions. In all seriousness, though, I’d like to talk about my recent experiences with the likes of anxiety, ocd, and loneliness. I think I’ll start with anxiety first. Anxiety has been a little more troublesome lately for me than usual, or at least it seems this way. And something that I’ve been thinking about lately as a result of experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety is that these two things are very bad. Now, I’m not talking about anxiety and stress being bad as in a burden to deal with. I am talking about the short and long term effects of anxiety and stress. I’ve realized that these two things are literally eating me from the inside out and killing me. It obviously isn’t as dramatic as that but it is the truth all in the same. And when I think about this I realize that I need to be doing whatever I can in order to eliminate unnecessary stress and anxiety from my life. I’m at a point where I am sick and tired of worrying about what other people think, how I’ll handle a situation with a cashier, how I’ll come up with enough money for whatever, and so on. It isn’t even the fact that my stress and anxiety is crippling, it’s just that they are extremely annoying. I think to myself, “What is the point to all of this worrying and stress?”.

The way I experience stress is through both mental and physical side effects. In my mind, I only think about worrying. All of my thinking power is focused towards worrying about a certain even, anticipating that even, and thinking of a hundred different ways that even can go wrong. I might have a small break of clarity but I’ll soon return to my pain inflicting thought process. A thought process that puts me inside my head, makes me feel disconnected, and wears me down. On the physical side of things, I get intense sensations in my stomach. These are probably what you would call “butterflies in your stomach”. The thing is that these “butterflies” are extremely irritating which cause me to feel very uneasy, and seem to come in waves. This means that I am constantly experiencing this unpleasant feeling as my anxieties kick in. And to make matters worse, these feelings make me even more aware of my anxiety which in turn make me more anxious. I’ll tell you, anxiety is one of the most vicious cycles around. I also get very clammy hands and I can feel my chest on edge as a result of my heart pounding. This whole package makes for a very exciting ride if exciting ride were to mean a shitty experience.

Like I said, none of this is good for my mind and body. I know this for a fact. I don’t need to do any research in order to clarify this as I have already read about the subject in the past and it is something that seems logical to me. This is why it is very important to me that I make a mental and physical effort towards coping with this anxiety. And I have. The thing is that while I’ve recently dealt with an abnormal amount of anxiety and stress, I’ve also been more consciously aware of it and how to deal with it. I’ve been making it a point to talk myself down during times of anxiety and to help myself through the situation in a more calm and logical manner. This will take a huge amount of effort on my part to get things totally under control but I think I can do it.

A large portion of my anxieties are social anxieties. And this probably explains why I have been experiencing increased levels of anxiety in general. You see, I am now attending a local college. Classrooms filled with students are a part of college. Socially, I don’t do very well in a classroom setting. I find it very hard to meet people in this setting, interact with others comfortably, and I feel very on edge. As a result, I am usually experience high levels of anxiety. I’ll talk about this more in depth in another post but for now I’d like to move on the next topic of discussion, loneliness. If I were doing things “properly” I might do OCD next but then again, I don’t do things properly.

Since I’ve started at this local college I’ve become very aware of my lacking ability to meet new people, and more importantly girls. I do have friends, I am far from a hermit, and I even have a few close friends. It isn’t a very large group of friends that I have but I am far from a social retard. My problem is that I have a hard time meeting people “cold”. I’d love to talk to new people and meet new people in my classes, it’s just that it isn’t practical for me. I don’t know, I just don’t see how I can form a relationship with someone if all we are doing is listening. I don’t have the confidence to approach someone on my own in most cases and I find doing so very weird. Actually, I think in my head that the person will think I am strange. And on top of that, I honestly don’t know what I would say to make the situation “normal”. The perfect scenario for me meeting new people is being introduced to new people through people I know and then hanging out with them. The thing is, I need to be making new connections if I want this to happen. And there lies my internal dilemma. All in all though, my loneliness is primarily about me wanting a relationship with a girl. This is where I truly lack. I am very bad at meeting new girls and I have virtually no friends that are girls. It isn’t all about my “sexual” needs either. I honestly want a relationship. A relationship with a girl that I find attractive and can genuinely connect with. I really do think that this would do a whole lot for my character and confidence as a whole which is another reason I want it so badly.

The worst part about it all is that I know that I could be a “good” boyfriend. I know I have a lot to offer. I know that I could truly open up to a girl and show her that I care for her. I know these things and yet I can do nothing about them. And this hurts, it really does. When I realize that it is only me that is holding me back and that guys all around me are accomplishing this, my self confidence only lowers. Pathetic, right? Another thing that sucks is that I could never express this to anyone. I’d be way too embarrassed. But then again, a fear of embarrassment is one of the roots of my internal struggle. Alright, this post is already very long and I’m beginning to ramble or maybe it just seems that way since this post is so long. Anyhow, it’s time for me to discuss that last topic of the title…actually it’s in the middle.

I believe I might have OCD. Actually, I don’t really think I have OCD but rather OCD like symptoms. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. But I’m not a perfectionist in the normal sense of things. I’m a weird perfectionist. In order for me to tackle an obstacle or a task, I need things to feel “just right”. As a result of this, I usually don’t end up doing that task or facing that obstacle if I don’t feel things are “just right”. Another bizarre way of thinking I practice is that I continue to deal with something or not doing something even though I am unhappy and feel that a necessary action should take place. This is more of a procrastination but as with my OCDness, it is a bit different than normal. It is a way of thinking that inflicts pain on myself internally. Basically, it’s a self hurting thought process. These are two things that I’d really like to deal with and take care of because they are seriously hindering me as a whole. I’ll definitely be going into this issue of mind more in depth over time but since my fingers are starting to hurt, I think I’m going to end this post here (by here I mean right below).

As always, writing this post up made me feel much better in many ways. Forcing busy thinking out of your head is always nice. Anyhow, I don’t think anyone read this but if you have, thank you very much. Also, be sure to check back here for more posts and even informational articles as I begin to work on that part of this website.

Feeling Tired Lately – Could It Be Depression?

Well, if you’ve read my “About” page then you know I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for about two years now. If you haven’t…well…now you know. Surprise, I suffer from anxiety and depression! Aren’t you excited? On a serious note, you should also know that I have been doing A LOT better since being diagnosed with anxiety and depression two years ago. I also mention this on my “About” page.

Now, when I say that I’ve been doing better I don’t mean that everything has been perfect for me in terms of my anxiety and depression. In my opinion, one can never totally rid themselves of any mental disorder. What I am trying to get across when I say that I am doing a lot better is that I’ve been able to keep my anxiety and depression “tied up” in a sense. Yes, they are there. But I am able to go about my daily life without them getting in the way. And even better, for the past six months I have actually been able to enjoy living life.

So, what exactly is today’s post about? And what the hell is with the title, “Feeling Tired Lately – Could It Be Depression?”? First of all, I’ll apologize for the two question marks which precede this very sentence because it does look damn strange even though I’m pretty sure it is grammatically correct. Okay, now that I got that out of the way I can start to do a little explaining. The reason why I was compelled to right this post up is because I have been feeling overly tired and unmotivated lately. Today has been the worst in terms of being tired and unmotivated. And being the extremely introspective person that I am, I’ve begun to not only notice this trend of mood but have also begun to analyze it. One of the first questions that popped into my mind today after noticing how ridiculously sluggish I’ve been (especially today) was, “Am I coming down with depression?”. I’ll admit I didn’t question my mood in that exact fashion. Depression is obviously not as simple as a cold and isn’t something that you “catch”. However, this is basically what I’ve thought about today. I’ve genuinely wondered if my depression might be worsening to the point of being a “hazard” in my life.

You see, I haven’t really felt the worst of my depression in quite some time now. It’s been at least a good 9-12 months since I’ve been paralyzed by the extremely depressing thoughts onset by depression. Fortunately, I haven’t had days where I lock myself in my room and repeatedly think to myself, “I’m worthless”…”I won’t amount to shit”…”I don’t do anything and I don’t want to do anything”, for a VERY long time. And as I think about this right now I am truly thankful for this. For anyone who suffers from depression you know just how crippling it can be and how much it take the enjoyment out of life. For me, life just wasn’t life when I was deep under the throes of depression.

With that said, two symptoms that I experienced back when depression was a real problem for me were tiredness and a lack of motivation. And this is exactly what I’ve been experiencing lately, especially today as I’ve mentioned before. Even as I’m typing I have this overwhelming feeling of clouded thought. I feel as though there is something weighing me down mentally and it is way too hard to think straight.

The worst part about it all is that I couldn’t even pin point what the cause of this “depression” is if I wanted to. It could be the increase in my marijuana usage. It could be because I am no longer in school and am experiencing my summer break. It could be because of the recent passing of my Grandmother. It could be because I have recently met a huge obstacle in terms of my income. I could go on and on. Do you see what I mean? It could be because of any of these reasons!

Want to know what I think though? I think it is because all of these reasons. And this is something that occurred to me as I started laying out all of the factors in my life right now. There really are a ton of different things (as small as some of them might be) which are either worrying me, draining me of energy, having me think about them way too much, evoking feelings of depression, stressing me out, etc..

This is what I love about writing. Writing is such a great way of expressing what you’re really feeling, letting go of negative and draining thoughts, and solving problems. I can honestly say that I have learned something new about myself and my current life situation by writing out this post. I now realize that my feelings of tiredness and my lack of motivation are a result of many different things. I think that when you let many different negative factors in you life paralyze you and leave you feeling hopeless in a sense, you are vulnerable to depression. Now, depression could literally be depression or it could be any other type of “flaw” that is relevant to you. This is why I think I’ve been feeling these symptoms of depression. There are more than a few negative factors in my life right now which has left me feeling rather overwhelmed. It is now time for me to deal with these factors.

What I plan on doing is trying to identify as many negative factors as I can and then deal with the most outstanding ones as soon as possible. Basically, I’ll be trying to work against the cause of these depression symptoms in hopes of driving them away.

So, what was the point of this post? I really couldn’t tell you. Frankly, it was really a way for me to vent. Believe it or not, writing this post helped me out a whole lot and if you actually took the time to read it all (thank you very much if you did) then I hope you could get something out of it.