Today Is The Most Depressed I’ve Felt In A Very Long Time
Today was pretty rough to say the least. Today was an emotional roller coaster. I had no feelings of depression at the start of the day but I was already feeling overly stressed and anxious. The reason why I was already feeling the effects of stress and anxiety early on during the day is because of a variety of different factors. There is something I need to do tomorrow which I have put off for a very long time, I am going to NYC for the first time on Friday, there is a lot of work that needs to be done, there are more than a few “business” dilemmas I need to deal with…seriously, I could go on and on. For a person who struggles when it comes to handling stress and anxiety, having all of this “stuff” going on is not good…at all.
And guess what? Things only continued to get worse. The arrival of my Mom was the literal arrival of my intense depression episode. It was just 5 minutes after she walked through the door when a heated verbal argument between her and I begun. Actually, it wasn’t much of an argument at all. It was a verbal assault and I was the victim. Some of the highlights of this assault included her telling me I was “fucking inconsiderate” (these were her exact words and I quote them because I hate it when my Mom curses for some reason), lazy, not able to do something I had already planned on doing, disregard my age, and many other colorful insults. And luckily for me, I took just about everything she said personally. At the time of the “argument” I truly did act maturely. I refrained from totally disregarding what she had to say, cursing, insulting her, or even overly yelling. I honestly gave my best shot at turning her emotional outburst into a constructive conversation but she wouldn’t have it. After a few minutes I gave up and went to my room where I began to feel worthless for the next hour and a half or so.
She had done an excellent job of making me feel like shit as well as having me over-analyze my every flaw. I was already feeling terrible on my way to my room but just as I sat in the very chair I’m sitting in right now, the depression kicked in. You see, I haven’t felt the worst of my depression in a long time. It didn’t matter though. The feeling was all too familiar as I became consumed by it. This is what the experience of “feeling depressed” is like for me. I can literally feel it come over me. It’s like this blanket that suppresses my mind and body further and further down a deep, dark hole.
As I sat there in my chair I began to think about all of the insults my Mom had used and I began to side with every single one of them. At the time, just about everything seemed unappealing. Everything around me was just there and nothing more. That’s another symptom of depression which is always there for me. I see everything differently. Everything is bland to put it simply. All I did was sit there with a blank stare. I became more and more depressed in my thoughts and the feelings of overwhelming sadness, worthlessness, and pity became more and more intense. I was “there” again and it was God damn terrible. I remember thinking that this severe feeling of depression was here to stay and I kept on thinking about chronic depression days.
When I sit here and write about my day today I am very thankful. I am thankful that I no longer suffer from this severe of depression day in and day out.
