Bright Lights and Feeling Depressed

I’m getting better at this already! I experienced something I thought to be worthy of writing about and I am actually writing about it right now without any procrastination. And technically, it’s only been about a day since my last post which is yet another milestone. Actually, I’m gonna have to be the party pooper at my own party as I experienced something similar to what I experienced today but didn’t get around to writing about it the first time. But other than that, I need a damn cookie for this accomplishment.

Hopefully, the topic of this post (or at least some of what I’m about to talk about) will be easy to relate to if you suffer from anxiety, especially if your anxiety is at a more chronic level. If it is at a chronic level, please don’t give up! Keep on persisting to try and deal with your anxiety and make it more manageable. It can be done. Believe me, I know exactly what it is like to feel so unbearably anxious/socially anxious to the point where it literally takes over all mental and physical function. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Please, though, do not give up on making things better for yourself. I’m not exactly sure as to why I felt it necessary to express my feelings for you anxiety sufferers out there – the urge to include my sentiment came over me and I just had to do it.

Anyhow, the reason why this post might be very relatable to those with anxiety is because it is a very specific scenario that I think anyone with general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any other anxiety related disorder has experienced. But enough of talking about what I’ll be talking about. Let’s get down to (I wish I could think of something other than business to say)…business.

Bright Lighting…Anxiety…Depersonalization

Just imagine how the following scenario would feel and try to visualize any discomfort you might experience. I may be alone in my reactions to this type of scenario but I’d like to get some input from anyone with anxiety who is reading this.

You’re walking along and minding your own business – you might be deep in thought, or thinking about how hungry you are, or trying to get a damn annoying song out of your head. Overall, you are at a pretty comfortable level in terms of any anxiety or discomfort. You might even go so far as saying that you feel content with your immediate situation. After some walking, you arrive at a door and subsequently open that door. Upon entering this door you are confronted with around 8 people who you don’t know very well. You’ve seen these people before, more than a few times, but your relationship with them is very limited. It isn’t as though you’ve just been shoved into a room surrounded by 8 people making for a very awkward situation. But, you still aren’t very comfortable enough to start talking to anyone of these people and strike up conversation.

Here comes the fun part. You are now forced to participate in a physical activity with these people. The physical activity will have you matched up one on one with another person, so things are rather personal. You then start to notice that the lighting of the room is bright, unnecessarily bright. It’s so bright that it’s hard to not to take notice every 5 five seconds and take into account how it is too bright. Also, the room you are in is filled with 6 more other people and all of them are moving around and causing a high level of noise. Some people are being obnoxiously loud and are filling the room with noise as equally as obnoxious. And as all of this is going on, you need to interact with the person you have been matched with one on one and maintain a certain level of social intelligence.

This is the basic premise of what I experienced today and it really go to me in terms of making me feel uncomfortable, anxious, and experience depersonalization. The reason why I felt this way was because I tend to get over stimulated in situations where there is a lot going on or a situation that is requiring an excessive amount of attention from one of my senses. As an introvert, someone who is highly sensitive to the world around me, and someone who deals with anxiety, over stimulation (mainly the bright lights in the situation above) is pretty much a nightmare for me.

Really bright lights are something that usually does it for me when it comes to making me feel uncomfortable and “out of it” from over stimulation. Here is a list of some of the things I experience when over stimulation gets to me:

• I feel out of it
• Depersonalization
• I feel on edge
• I find it very hard to interact with people
• Expressing emotions feels “fake”
• My emotional range consists of numb and noodles for brains

Basically, I feel very out of it, anxious, emotionally numb and kind of confused (it’s hard to explain the feeling), and I suck at interacting with people. You’ll notice that I listed depersonalization. If you aren’t familiar with this term then let me give you a brief description of what it means. Basically, depersonalization is a mental condition that leaves you feeling very disconnected with reality, out of it, detached, as if you are experiencing out of the body in some ways, like everything around you is different, like you aren’t real, and like you are in a dream state. When you experience depersonalization your reality changes in a way that leaves you feeling “weird”. It’s a bit difficult to explain and something I’ll definitely be covering in future posts as well as writing content pages for, but basically it’s a mental state that makes you experience thing much differently and makes you uncomfortable. It’s like taking a drug without actually taking a drug.

So yeah, this is what I experience when I become over stimulated. If there is anyone out there reading this post right now, I’d definitely like to hear your feedback as to what you feel like during these situations. I’m pretty sure this is rather common among those with anxiety but who knows, maybe I’m a one of a kind freak.

More Depressed Today – Bad Weather? Cold? Random?

The second half of today had me feeling more depressed than usual. A lot more depressed than usual actually because my depression has been really good for quite some time. Anyhow, I had an afternoon class to go to and I was already feeling pretty tired and generally annoyed because I didn’t want to go tot his class. I was a little uncomfortable during the class but the main event kicked in after class. As I was sitting there smoking a cigarette, I began to dwell on the fact that I have a limited group of friends that I hang out with and that I’ve lacked any real relationship with a girl for a long time. My thought process really started to head on a downward path as I began to think about how lonely I was and how badly I wanted to meet new people but couldn’t. I also was stuck mentally on the fact that most of my closer friends are 2 years younger than me. I don’t know why, but I always find myself beating  myself up about this. I think that it is pathetic or that it isn’t normal and it leaves me feeling ashamed in a way.

When I think about things more rationally right now I realize that I don’t have it too bad socially. Yes, I would like to meet new people and make more closer friends and yes I desperately want a girlfriend. But at the same time, I’m not spending all of time outside of forced social activities all alone as I was just a year or so back. So in reality, I guess I don’t have it too bad. But damn, when I start to get into a depressed mood I really start to get into a depressed mood. It’s a mental downward spiral for me. I’m not sure as to what caused me to think this way. Maybe it was the bad weather getting to me or maybe it was just my own doing. Anyhow, all I know is that being depressed and constantly thinking negatively about yourself is definitely no good.

Alright, I’m done. If anyone read this or skimmed it then please go ahead and comment. Don’t be shy. Say anything, anything at all!

Anxiety and Social Anxiety and Deep Thinking

First of all, if you look to the left you’ll see an image. It’s an image I found on Flickr and it’s an image that I really like. I don’t know why I keep referring to it as an image instead of a photograph. Anyhow, I like photography and would like to get into it in the near future (nice cameras are damn expensive) which is why I plan to start regularly including a photograph in my posts. A photograph such as this one helps to set the mood and makes the following post more interesting overall in my opinion. And my opinion is the only one that counts, not yours!

One a more serious note but a note that still doesn’t apply to the actual content of this post, if you click the image you will be taken to the Flickr page of the person responsible for this photo. In addition to including photos, I’d also like to link the images back to the creator as a way of giving credit and allowing visitors to see more from that photographer if they really like the photo.

So, it is now time for me to bring myself to writing the content of this post. Here is what I’m thinking right now as far as what I’d like to include in this post – I’d like to talk about my recent experiences with social anxiety, general anxiety, my deep thinking habits and introversion, and what I’ll be posting/adding to this site in the future. I’m going to tell you right now, this post is going to be pretty damn long if I actually follow through with what I’d like to include. Most of my content on this site is pretty damn long so it really isn’t anything too surprising, it’s just that this one may be a tad longer than my usual long posts. The reason for this is because I’ve had some interesting experiences over the last week or so and have really wanted to write more here but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it until now. I’ve had absolutely nothing to eat yet so I’ll be taking care of that before getting to the core of this post…not that it means anything to you, the reader, however.

Social Anxiety As Of Late

The one thing that I constantly need to remind myself of is that I’ve made a whole lot of progress over the past 2 years or so in terms of my social anxiety, anxiety, and depression. But let’s keep things to social anxiety because that is what this section is about. I’ve always been reserved and quiet around people for as long as I can remember. I was never an outgoing person because that just wasn’t me. This is how I was as I progressed through the many years of my schooling. Basically, I am introverted and have always been introverted. What this means is that I’ve always felt some sort of level of discomfort around groups of people I don’t know too well and as a result have kept to myself for the most part in these types of situations. I do think that I’ve always felt at least a little nervous in social situations such as school where there are a lot of people I don’t know, but I don’t think that I’ve always had social anxiety.

I think that I was already predisposed to being socially nervous as an introvert and that when 10th grade rolled around, and everything went downhill, social anxiety kicked in. I have just realized that I am describing the history of my social anxiety and my “story” which isn’t what I’d like to write about in this post as I could go on and on. I will, however, be dedicating a post/page to my “story” because I think it is very important in terms of making me relatable to those suffering from anxiety, depression, social anxiety, or any mental illness/condition for that matter. Back to reality! So, as of late my social anxiety has been pretty well tamed. It isn’t totally gone but it also isn’t a huge issue.

I guess you could say that I have an odd case of social anxiety and a case (as of this point) that is very mild. For the most part, I am able to hold conversations with random people if need be and can interact with them. But, I usually don’t feel comfortable in a classroom setting with a lot of people I don’t know very well or at all, I sometimes get very tense and “awkward” during 1 on 1 conversations, I sometimes feel judged when in public situations with a larger amount of people, I usually hate being the center of attention of a larger group and feel very uncomfortable, and some people such as attractive girls make me more uncomfortable than others. I mean, there is a lot there in terms of my social anxiety “symptoms” but like I said, I experience these things on a much more milder level than I used to. I used to literally be paralyzed by social situations and experience ridiculous levels of physical and mental stress/discomfort.

This is basically where I am at social anxiety wise – I’d like to become a lot more social and break out of my “shell” but at the same time I’ve actually made a lot of progress socially recently and am experiencing a mild case of social anxiety. And as far as breaking out of my social “shell”, I realize in a way that this is breaking who I am. I mean, I am different from most people as an introvert and I do think differently than the majority of “normal” people, but this is also who I am. I’ve already made some nice progress recently and I think that if I continue in this way and work with who I am, I can make even bigger steps.

My Not So General Anxiety

Damn am I bad when it comes to getting sidetracked by the internet! Oh, I’ll just do a quick search and…oh, that looks interesting. The cycle never ends! Anyhow, about my not so general anxiety. I think in my last post I was talking about how I was continuously experiencing butterflies in my stomach. Well, the butterflies have now left the stomach as I am not dealing with this problem anymore. I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was and it really was a bizarre experience. It’s funny because it’s one of those things that when you think about it, it happens. Like at this very moment, I experienced butterflies in my stomach. Another example would be me telling you that you are now thinking about blinking. If you just read that then you are self aware of your blinking which just messed everything up. Your welcome!

So, what is there to talk about when it comes to my general anxiety? I’m drawing a blank here which either means that things have been good or that I am going numb in the brain. I think I’ll go with the good and save the numbing for when I’m older, a lot older. On a serious notepad though, things actually have been good anxiety wise. My anxiety has been quite “normal” and calm. I still get very stressed about somethings and mentally kill myself by thinking about things I have to do over and over, but other than that things haven’t been all too bad.

Introversion And Deep Thinking

One thing that has been changing lately is my thoughts. As an introvert, I have always been a deep thinker and always find myself in thought. But lately, things have been different in a way. It’s a little hard to explain as to what exactly I’ve been feeling but overall I’ve become more self aware of where I am at as a person as well as where I stand in life. Sometimes thinking too much and thinking deeply is a bad thing especially for an introvert who suffers from anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, but this has been a good type of deep thinking and analysis for me. I’ve never been one to gloat or even pat myself on the back in my thoughts. Instead, I usually find a way to tell myself “not good enough”. However, for the first time in a while this type of thinking has left me feeling empowered.

When I sit back and reflect on my thoughts as far as where I am at as an individual, where I am headed, and the progress I have made internally (anxiety, social anxiety, depression)…well…it is a pretty good feeling. I realize that I am an individual and that I should accept me for me as well as be happy with me. Like I said, I really don’t have moments like this very often which is why I am trying my hardest to hold on to it and to use it as a source of motivation in order to keep progressing as a person.

Future Posts

As far as future content and posts for this site/blog goes, I’d like to work on bringing new topics to the table and turning my past experiences into helpful content. I still haven’t gotten around to starting the informational side of this website so I’ll need to get on researching topics and writing content ASAP. I’d also like to do more in terms of bringing fresh topics to this blog such as depersonalization. Lastly, I’ve really been thinking about dedicating a series of posts to helping others dealing with anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and other illnesses/problems I have faced in the past. Anyhow, I really do appreciate it if you’ve taken the time to read this and I think that I will now put an end to this ginormous post.

Today Is The Most Depressed I’ve Felt In A Very Long Time

Today was pretty rough to say the least. Today was an emotional roller coaster. I had no feelings of depression at the start of the day but I was already feeling overly stressed and anxious. The reason why I was already feeling the effects of stress and anxiety early on during the day is because of a variety of different factors. There is something I need to do tomorrow which I have put off for a very long time, I am going to NYC for the first time on Friday, there is a lot of work that needs to be done, there are more than a few “business” dilemmas I need to deal with…seriously, I could go on and on. For a person who struggles when it comes to handling stress and anxiety, having all of this “stuff” going on is not good…at all.

And guess what? Things only continued to get worse. The arrival of my Mom was the literal arrival of my intense depression episode. It was just 5 minutes after she walked through the door when a heated verbal argument between her and I begun. Actually, it wasn’t much of an argument at all. It was a verbal assault and I was the victim. Some of the highlights of this assault included her telling me I was “fucking inconsiderate” (these were her exact words and I quote them because I hate it when my Mom curses for some reason), lazy, not able to do something I had already planned on doing, disregard my age, and many other colorful insults. And luckily for me, I took just about everything she said personally. At the time of the “argument” I truly did act maturely. I refrained from totally disregarding what she had to say, cursing, insulting her, or even overly yelling. I honestly gave my best shot at turning her emotional outburst into a constructive conversation but she wouldn’t have it. After a few minutes I gave up and went to my room where I began to feel worthless for the next hour and a half or so.

She had done an excellent job of making me feel like shit as well as having me over-analyze my every flaw. I was already feeling terrible on my way to my room but just as I sat in the very chair I’m sitting in right now, the depression kicked in. You see, I haven’t felt the worst of my depression in a long time. It didn’t matter though. The feeling was all too familiar as I became consumed by it. This is what the experience of “feeling depressed” is like for me. I can literally feel it come over me. It’s like this blanket that suppresses my mind and body further and further down a deep, dark hole.

As I sat there in my chair I began to think about all of the insults my Mom had used and I began to side with every single one of them. At the time, just about everything seemed unappealing. Everything around me was just there and nothing more. That’s another symptom of depression which is always there for me. I see everything differently. Everything is bland to put it simply. All I did was sit there with a blank stare. I became more and more depressed in my thoughts and the feelings of overwhelming sadness, worthlessness, and pity became more and more intense. I was “there” again and it was God damn terrible. I remember thinking that this severe feeling of depression was here to stay and I kept on thinking about chronic depression days.

When I sit here and write about my day today I am very thankful. I am thankful that I no longer suffer from this severe of depression day in and day out.