Bright Lights and Feeling Depressed

I’m getting better at this already! I experienced something I thought to be worthy of writing about and I am actually writing about it right now without any procrastination. And technically, it’s only been about a day since my last post which is yet another milestone. Actually, I’m gonna have to be the party pooper at my own party as I experienced something similar to what I experienced today but didn’t get around to writing about it the first time. But other than that, I need a damn cookie for this accomplishment.

Hopefully, the topic of this post (or at least some of what I’m about to talk about) will be easy to relate to if you suffer from anxiety, especially if your anxiety is at a more chronic level. If it is at a chronic level, please don’t give up! Keep on persisting to try and deal with your anxiety and make it more manageable. It can be done. Believe me, I know exactly what it is like to feel so unbearably anxious/socially anxious to the point where it literally takes over all mental and physical function. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Please, though, do not give up on making things better for yourself. I’m not exactly sure as to why I felt it necessary to express my feelings for you anxiety sufferers out there – the urge to include my sentiment came over me and I just had to do it.

Anyhow, the reason why this post might be very relatable to those with anxiety is because it is a very specific scenario that I think anyone with general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any other anxiety related disorder has experienced. But enough of talking about what I’ll be talking about. Let’s get down to (I wish I could think of something other than business to say)…business.

Bright Lighting…Anxiety…Depersonalization

Just imagine how the following scenario would feel and try to visualize any discomfort you might experience. I may be alone in my reactions to this type of scenario but I’d like to get some input from anyone with anxiety who is reading this.

You’re walking along and minding your own business – you might be deep in thought, or thinking about how hungry you are, or trying to get a damn annoying song out of your head. Overall, you are at a pretty comfortable level in terms of any anxiety or discomfort. You might even go so far as saying that you feel content with your immediate situation. After some walking, you arrive at a door and subsequently open that door. Upon entering this door you are confronted with around 8 people who you don’t know very well. You’ve seen these people before, more than a few times, but your relationship with them is very limited. It isn’t as though you’ve just been shoved into a room surrounded by 8 people making for a very awkward situation. But, you still aren’t very comfortable enough to start talking to anyone of these people and strike up conversation.

Here comes the fun part. You are now forced to participate in a physical activity with these people. The physical activity will have you matched up one on one with another person, so things are rather personal. You then start to notice that the lighting of the room is bright, unnecessarily bright. It’s so bright that it’s hard to not to take notice every 5 five seconds and take into account how it is too bright. Also, the room you are in is filled with 6 more other people and all of them are moving around and causing a high level of noise. Some people are being obnoxiously loud and are filling the room with noise as equally as obnoxious. And as all of this is going on, you need to interact with the person you have been matched with one on one and maintain a certain level of social intelligence.

This is the basic premise of what I experienced today and it really go to me in terms of making me feel uncomfortable, anxious, and experience depersonalization. The reason why I felt this way was because I tend to get over stimulated in situations where there is a lot going on or a situation that is requiring an excessive amount of attention from one of my senses. As an introvert, someone who is highly sensitive to the world around me, and someone who deals with anxiety, over stimulation (mainly the bright lights in the situation above) is pretty much a nightmare for me.

Really bright lights are something that usually does it for me when it comes to making me feel uncomfortable and “out of it” from over stimulation. Here is a list of some of the things I experience when over stimulation gets to me:

• I feel out of it
• Depersonalization
• I feel on edge
• I find it very hard to interact with people
• Expressing emotions feels “fake”
• My emotional range consists of numb and noodles for brains

Basically, I feel very out of it, anxious, emotionally numb and kind of confused (it’s hard to explain the feeling), and I suck at interacting with people. You’ll notice that I listed depersonalization. If you aren’t familiar with this term then let me give you a brief description of what it means. Basically, depersonalization is a mental condition that leaves you feeling very disconnected with reality, out of it, detached, as if you are experiencing out of the body in some ways, like everything around you is different, like you aren’t real, and like you are in a dream state. When you experience depersonalization your reality changes in a way that leaves you feeling “weird”. It’s a bit difficult to explain and something I’ll definitely be covering in future posts as well as writing content pages for, but basically it’s a mental state that makes you experience thing much differently and makes you uncomfortable. It’s like taking a drug without actually taking a drug.

So yeah, this is what I experience when I become over stimulated. If there is anyone out there reading this post right now, I’d definitely like to hear your feedback as to what you feel like during these situations. I’m pretty sure this is rather common among those with anxiety but who knows, maybe I’m a one of a kind freak.

More Depressed Today – Bad Weather? Cold? Random?

The second half of today had me feeling more depressed than usual. A lot more depressed than usual actually because my depression has been really good for quite some time. Anyhow, I had an afternoon class to go to and I was already feeling pretty tired and generally annoyed because I didn’t want to go tot his class. I was a little uncomfortable during the class but the main event kicked in after class. As I was sitting there smoking a cigarette, I began to dwell on the fact that I have a limited group of friends that I hang out with and that I’ve lacked any real relationship with a girl for a long time. My thought process really started to head on a downward path as I began to think about how lonely I was and how badly I wanted to meet new people but couldn’t. I also was stuck mentally on the fact that most of my closer friends are 2 years younger than me. I don’t know why, but I always find myself beating  myself up about this. I think that it is pathetic or that it isn’t normal and it leaves me feeling ashamed in a way.

When I think about things more rationally right now I realize that I don’t have it too bad socially. Yes, I would like to meet new people and make more closer friends and yes I desperately want a girlfriend. But at the same time, I’m not spending all of time outside of forced social activities all alone as I was just a year or so back. So in reality, I guess I don’t have it too bad. But damn, when I start to get into a depressed mood I really start to get into a depressed mood. It’s a mental downward spiral for me. I’m not sure as to what caused me to think this way. Maybe it was the bad weather getting to me or maybe it was just my own doing. Anyhow, all I know is that being depressed and constantly thinking negatively about yourself is definitely no good.

Alright, I’m done. If anyone read this or skimmed it then please go ahead and comment. Don’t be shy. Say anything, anything at all!

Anxiety and Social Anxiety and Deep Thinking

First of all, if you look to the left you’ll see an image. It’s an image I found on Flickr and it’s an image that I really like. I don’t know why I keep referring to it as an image instead of a photograph. Anyhow, I like photography and would like to get into it in the near future (nice cameras are damn expensive) which is why I plan to start regularly including a photograph in my posts. A photograph such as this one helps to set the mood and makes the following post more interesting overall in my opinion. And my opinion is the only one that counts, not yours!

One a more serious note but a note that still doesn’t apply to the actual content of this post, if you click the image you will be taken to the Flickr page of the person responsible for this photo. In addition to including photos, I’d also like to link the images back to the creator as a way of giving credit and allowing visitors to see more from that photographer if they really like the photo.

So, it is now time for me to bring myself to writing the content of this post. Here is what I’m thinking right now as far as what I’d like to include in this post – I’d like to talk about my recent experiences with social anxiety, general anxiety, my deep thinking habits and introversion, and what I’ll be posting/adding to this site in the future. I’m going to tell you right now, this post is going to be pretty damn long if I actually follow through with what I’d like to include. Most of my content on this site is pretty damn long so it really isn’t anything too surprising, it’s just that this one may be a tad longer than my usual long posts. The reason for this is because I’ve had some interesting experiences over the last week or so and have really wanted to write more here but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it until now. I’ve had absolutely nothing to eat yet so I’ll be taking care of that before getting to the core of this post…not that it means anything to you, the reader, however.

Social Anxiety As Of Late

The one thing that I constantly need to remind myself of is that I’ve made a whole lot of progress over the past 2 years or so in terms of my social anxiety, anxiety, and depression. But let’s keep things to social anxiety because that is what this section is about. I’ve always been reserved and quiet around people for as long as I can remember. I was never an outgoing person because that just wasn’t me. This is how I was as I progressed through the many years of my schooling. Basically, I am introverted and have always been introverted. What this means is that I’ve always felt some sort of level of discomfort around groups of people I don’t know too well and as a result have kept to myself for the most part in these types of situations. I do think that I’ve always felt at least a little nervous in social situations such as school where there are a lot of people I don’t know, but I don’t think that I’ve always had social anxiety.

I think that I was already predisposed to being socially nervous as an introvert and that when 10th grade rolled around, and everything went downhill, social anxiety kicked in. I have just realized that I am describing the history of my social anxiety and my “story” which isn’t what I’d like to write about in this post as I could go on and on. I will, however, be dedicating a post/page to my “story” because I think it is very important in terms of making me relatable to those suffering from anxiety, depression, social anxiety, or any mental illness/condition for that matter. Back to reality! So, as of late my social anxiety has been pretty well tamed. It isn’t totally gone but it also isn’t a huge issue.

I guess you could say that I have an odd case of social anxiety and a case (as of this point) that is very mild. For the most part, I am able to hold conversations with random people if need be and can interact with them. But, I usually don’t feel comfortable in a classroom setting with a lot of people I don’t know very well or at all, I sometimes get very tense and “awkward” during 1 on 1 conversations, I sometimes feel judged when in public situations with a larger amount of people, I usually hate being the center of attention of a larger group and feel very uncomfortable, and some people such as attractive girls make me more uncomfortable than others. I mean, there is a lot there in terms of my social anxiety “symptoms” but like I said, I experience these things on a much more milder level than I used to. I used to literally be paralyzed by social situations and experience ridiculous levels of physical and mental stress/discomfort.

This is basically where I am at social anxiety wise – I’d like to become a lot more social and break out of my “shell” but at the same time I’ve actually made a lot of progress socially recently and am experiencing a mild case of social anxiety. And as far as breaking out of my social “shell”, I realize in a way that this is breaking who I am. I mean, I am different from most people as an introvert and I do think differently than the majority of “normal” people, but this is also who I am. I’ve already made some nice progress recently and I think that if I continue in this way and work with who I am, I can make even bigger steps.

My Not So General Anxiety

Damn am I bad when it comes to getting sidetracked by the internet! Oh, I’ll just do a quick search and…oh, that looks interesting. The cycle never ends! Anyhow, about my not so general anxiety. I think in my last post I was talking about how I was continuously experiencing butterflies in my stomach. Well, the butterflies have now left the stomach as I am not dealing with this problem anymore. I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was and it really was a bizarre experience. It’s funny because it’s one of those things that when you think about it, it happens. Like at this very moment, I experienced butterflies in my stomach. Another example would be me telling you that you are now thinking about blinking. If you just read that then you are self aware of your blinking which just messed everything up. Your welcome!

So, what is there to talk about when it comes to my general anxiety? I’m drawing a blank here which either means that things have been good or that I am going numb in the brain. I think I’ll go with the good and save the numbing for when I’m older, a lot older. On a serious notepad though, things actually have been good anxiety wise. My anxiety has been quite “normal” and calm. I still get very stressed about somethings and mentally kill myself by thinking about things I have to do over and over, but other than that things haven’t been all too bad.

Introversion And Deep Thinking

One thing that has been changing lately is my thoughts. As an introvert, I have always been a deep thinker and always find myself in thought. But lately, things have been different in a way. It’s a little hard to explain as to what exactly I’ve been feeling but overall I’ve become more self aware of where I am at as a person as well as where I stand in life. Sometimes thinking too much and thinking deeply is a bad thing especially for an introvert who suffers from anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, but this has been a good type of deep thinking and analysis for me. I’ve never been one to gloat or even pat myself on the back in my thoughts. Instead, I usually find a way to tell myself “not good enough”. However, for the first time in a while this type of thinking has left me feeling empowered.

When I sit back and reflect on my thoughts as far as where I am at as an individual, where I am headed, and the progress I have made internally (anxiety, social anxiety, depression)…well…it is a pretty good feeling. I realize that I am an individual and that I should accept me for me as well as be happy with me. Like I said, I really don’t have moments like this very often which is why I am trying my hardest to hold on to it and to use it as a source of motivation in order to keep progressing as a person.

Future Posts

As far as future content and posts for this site/blog goes, I’d like to work on bringing new topics to the table and turning my past experiences into helpful content. I still haven’t gotten around to starting the informational side of this website so I’ll need to get on researching topics and writing content ASAP. I’d also like to do more in terms of bringing fresh topics to this blog such as depersonalization. Lastly, I’ve really been thinking about dedicating a series of posts to helping others dealing with anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and other illnesses/problems I have faced in the past. Anyhow, I really do appreciate it if you’ve taken the time to read this and I think that I will now put an end to this ginormous post.

More Anxiety, Sight OCD, And Some Loneliness

I have to take credit for that title as it is pretty damn catchy if I do say so myself. That title right there, it could make millions. In all seriousness, though, I’d like to talk about my recent experiences with the likes of anxiety, ocd, and loneliness. I think I’ll start with anxiety first. Anxiety has been a little more troublesome lately for me than usual, or at least it seems this way. And something that I’ve been thinking about lately as a result of experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety is that these two things are very bad. Now, I’m not talking about anxiety and stress being bad as in a burden to deal with. I am talking about the short and long term effects of anxiety and stress. I’ve realized that these two things are literally eating me from the inside out and killing me. It obviously isn’t as dramatic as that but it is the truth all in the same. And when I think about this I realize that I need to be doing whatever I can in order to eliminate unnecessary stress and anxiety from my life. I’m at a point where I am sick and tired of worrying about what other people think, how I’ll handle a situation with a cashier, how I’ll come up with enough money for whatever, and so on. It isn’t even the fact that my stress and anxiety is crippling, it’s just that they are extremely annoying. I think to myself, “What is the point to all of this worrying and stress?”.

The way I experience stress is through both mental and physical side effects. In my mind, I only think about worrying. All of my thinking power is focused towards worrying about a certain even, anticipating that even, and thinking of a hundred different ways that even can go wrong. I might have a small break of clarity but I’ll soon return to my pain inflicting thought process. A thought process that puts me inside my head, makes me feel disconnected, and wears me down. On the physical side of things, I get intense sensations in my stomach. These are probably what you would call “butterflies in your stomach”. The thing is that these “butterflies” are extremely irritating which cause me to feel very uneasy, and seem to come in waves. This means that I am constantly experiencing this unpleasant feeling as my anxieties kick in. And to make matters worse, these feelings make me even more aware of my anxiety which in turn make me more anxious. I’ll tell you, anxiety is one of the most vicious cycles around. I also get very clammy hands and I can feel my chest on edge as a result of my heart pounding. This whole package makes for a very exciting ride if exciting ride were to mean a shitty experience.

Like I said, none of this is good for my mind and body. I know this for a fact. I don’t need to do any research in order to clarify this as I have already read about the subject in the past and it is something that seems logical to me. This is why it is very important to me that I make a mental and physical effort towards coping with this anxiety. And I have. The thing is that while I’ve recently dealt with an abnormal amount of anxiety and stress, I’ve also been more consciously aware of it and how to deal with it. I’ve been making it a point to talk myself down during times of anxiety and to help myself through the situation in a more calm and logical manner. This will take a huge amount of effort on my part to get things totally under control but I think I can do it.

A large portion of my anxieties are social anxieties. And this probably explains why I have been experiencing increased levels of anxiety in general. You see, I am now attending a local college. Classrooms filled with students are a part of college. Socially, I don’t do very well in a classroom setting. I find it very hard to meet people in this setting, interact with others comfortably, and I feel very on edge. As a result, I am usually experience high levels of anxiety. I’ll talk about this more in depth in another post but for now I’d like to move on the next topic of discussion, loneliness. If I were doing things “properly” I might do OCD next but then again, I don’t do things properly.

Since I’ve started at this local college I’ve become very aware of my lacking ability to meet new people, and more importantly girls. I do have friends, I am far from a hermit, and I even have a few close friends. It isn’t a very large group of friends that I have but I am far from a social retard. My problem is that I have a hard time meeting people “cold”. I’d love to talk to new people and meet new people in my classes, it’s just that it isn’t practical for me. I don’t know, I just don’t see how I can form a relationship with someone if all we are doing is listening. I don’t have the confidence to approach someone on my own in most cases and I find doing so very weird. Actually, I think in my head that the person will think I am strange. And on top of that, I honestly don’t know what I would say to make the situation “normal”. The perfect scenario for me meeting new people is being introduced to new people through people I know and then hanging out with them. The thing is, I need to be making new connections if I want this to happen. And there lies my internal dilemma. All in all though, my loneliness is primarily about me wanting a relationship with a girl. This is where I truly lack. I am very bad at meeting new girls and I have virtually no friends that are girls. It isn’t all about my “sexual” needs either. I honestly want a relationship. A relationship with a girl that I find attractive and can genuinely connect with. I really do think that this would do a whole lot for my character and confidence as a whole which is another reason I want it so badly.

The worst part about it all is that I know that I could be a “good” boyfriend. I know I have a lot to offer. I know that I could truly open up to a girl and show her that I care for her. I know these things and yet I can do nothing about them. And this hurts, it really does. When I realize that it is only me that is holding me back and that guys all around me are accomplishing this, my self confidence only lowers. Pathetic, right? Another thing that sucks is that I could never express this to anyone. I’d be way too embarrassed. But then again, a fear of embarrassment is one of the roots of my internal struggle. Alright, this post is already very long and I’m beginning to ramble or maybe it just seems that way since this post is so long. Anyhow, it’s time for me to discuss that last topic of the title…actually it’s in the middle.

I believe I might have OCD. Actually, I don’t really think I have OCD but rather OCD like symptoms. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. But I’m not a perfectionist in the normal sense of things. I’m a weird perfectionist. In order for me to tackle an obstacle or a task, I need things to feel “just right”. As a result of this, I usually don’t end up doing that task or facing that obstacle if I don’t feel things are “just right”. Another bizarre way of thinking I practice is that I continue to deal with something or not doing something even though I am unhappy and feel that a necessary action should take place. This is more of a procrastination but as with my OCDness, it is a bit different than normal. It is a way of thinking that inflicts pain on myself internally. Basically, it’s a self hurting thought process. These are two things that I’d really like to deal with and take care of because they are seriously hindering me as a whole. I’ll definitely be going into this issue of mind more in depth over time but since my fingers are starting to hurt, I think I’m going to end this post here (by here I mean right below).

As always, writing this post up made me feel much better in many ways. Forcing busy thinking out of your head is always nice. Anyhow, I don’t think anyone read this but if you have, thank you very much. Also, be sure to check back here for more posts and even informational articles as I begin to work on that part of this website.