Having Trouble Committing
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately and how this time of my life is ridiculously packed with stresses. I think about how I should be trying to have as much fun as I can and push my self into social situations, what I want to do with my life, how I need to get better at interacting with people, my need for a relationship, if I should go through with the traditional college route, and how it’s time for me to be more independent. It’s all very stressful to say the least!
Apart from this, I’ve had a very hard time committing to something that I truly want to pursue and make something of. Basically, it’s a method of generating an income for myself that offers huge potential, is entirely legal, and would allow me to truly “live”. The problems is that, for some reason, I seem to push myself away from actually doing. I find that I am extremely bad at taking steps towards my goals and instead I talk my self down and think about what could be if I were to put my heart into this. It’s a vicious mental cycle that starts with a lack of confidence in myself and telling myself that it won’t happen which then turns into me seeing it as an impossible dream that really isn’t worth my time or effort. It’s like I am at a mental block of some sort. Deep down, I don’t believe in myself and as a result I am unmotivated to take action.
In my last post I talked about the subconscious and how powerful it is. This is something that I think also plays a role in my current state of mind concerning my goals. So basically, I have the majority of my mind working against what I truly want and it’s up to me in order to make things right. The problem is that my confidence level is nothing to write home about and I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. Internal conflict sucks! Just had to get this out into writing because it’s something that’s been bothering me for quite some time and was really bothersome today. I still need to work on this site a whole lot more but I’m not going to make any promises as to what I’ll be getting done and when I’ll be doing it. Like the title suggests, I’ve been having trouble committing to things that help me. Go figure…
Just Thinking About The Subconscious
A topic that always seems to pop up in my mind is why we feel the way we feel and what dictates our motivations or lack thereof. It’s something that’s extremely interesting to me because it is something that can potentially have a huge impact on your life. I mean, someone who is constantly driven to achieve and get things done is obviously going to do more and attain success. On the flip side, someone who is constantly thinking negatively and frozen in their tracks when it comes to pushing for what they really want probably won’t get very far – instead, they’ll most likely end up coasting through life.
I’ve come to the realization that this is something I tend to struggle with. I’ve realized that I have a very particular goal set for myself which is anything but normal but offers huge rewards, and that I regularly think in a way that keeps me from working towards success. All of this thinking and realizing has led me to even more thinking, and even more realizing. I’ve garnered a new appreciation for the subconscious mind and the influence it has on our conscious thinking and ultimately our true potential. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression, I realize the power of the mind and the sheer influence it can have on our lives. It is because of this that I am interested in trying to learn more and take control of my subconscious thinking.
Conscious thinking is something that we can grasp in a way. You might think to yourself, “I need to go to the store and pick up some bread” (a pretty damn dull example, I know), and then you’ll go ahead and do what you thought. This type of thinking is something that we can realize because it is something that we are actively participating in and controlling. However, the subconscious level of thinking is hidden to us. And the crazy part about this is that our subconscious mind, while hidden to us, plays a major role in our conscious mind. Our subconscious will remember a past failure and when we are faced with a situation attached to that failure, our subconscious mind will inherently pass on feelings of negativity to our conscious level of thinking. This, to me, is extremely interesting.
The fact that our subconscious level of thinking plays such a large role in our conscious level of thinking really makes me want to investigate ways of maintaining more control over my subconscious. Anyhow, that all I really wanted to say as it’s been on my mind for the past few hours and I wanted to put something up on this blog. I’m feeling a ball of emotions right now (angst, anxiety, and a little depression/feeling overwhelmed) which is why I’m not fleshing this post out (need to work on my subconscious!).
Anxiety and Social Anxiety and Deep Thinking
First of all, if you look to the left you’ll see an image. It’s an image I found on Flickr and it’s an image that I really like. I don’t know why I keep referring to it as an image instead of a photograph. Anyhow, I like photography and would like to get into it in the near future (nice cameras are damn expensive) which is why I plan to start regularly including a photograph in my posts. A photograph such as this one helps to set the mood and makes the following post more interesting overall in my opinion. And my opinion is the only one that counts, not yours!
One a more serious note but a note that still doesn’t apply to the actual content of this post, if you click the image you will be taken to the Flickr page of the person responsible for this photo. In addition to including photos, I’d also like to link the images back to the creator as a way of giving credit and allowing visitors to see more from that photographer if they really like the photo.
So, it is now time for me to bring myself to writing the content of this post. Here is what I’m thinking right now as far as what I’d like to include in this post – I’d like to talk about my recent experiences with social anxiety, general anxiety, my deep thinking habits and introversion, and what I’ll be posting/adding to this site in the future. I’m going to tell you right now, this post is going to be pretty damn long if I actually follow through with what I’d like to include. Most of my content on this site is pretty damn long so it really isn’t anything too surprising, it’s just that this one may be a tad longer than my usual long posts. The reason for this is because I’ve had some interesting experiences over the last week or so and have really wanted to write more here but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it until now. I’ve had absolutely nothing to eat yet so I’ll be taking care of that before getting to the core of this post…not that it means anything to you, the reader, however.
Social Anxiety As Of Late
The one thing that I constantly need to remind myself of is that I’ve made a whole lot of progress over the past 2 years or so in terms of my social anxiety, anxiety, and depression. But let’s keep things to social anxiety because that is what this section is about. I’ve always been reserved and quiet around people for as long as I can remember. I was never an outgoing person because that just wasn’t me. This is how I was as I progressed through the many years of my schooling. Basically, I am introverted and have always been introverted. What this means is that I’ve always felt some sort of level of discomfort around groups of people I don’t know too well and as a result have kept to myself for the most part in these types of situations. I do think that I’ve always felt at least a little nervous in social situations such as school where there are a lot of people I don’t know, but I don’t think that I’ve always had social anxiety.
I think that I was already predisposed to being socially nervous as an introvert and that when 10th grade rolled around, and everything went downhill, social anxiety kicked in. I have just realized that I am describing the history of my social anxiety and my “story” which isn’t what I’d like to write about in this post as I could go on and on. I will, however, be dedicating a post/page to my “story” because I think it is very important in terms of making me relatable to those suffering from anxiety, depression, social anxiety, or any mental illness/condition for that matter. Back to reality! So, as of late my social anxiety has been pretty well tamed. It isn’t totally gone but it also isn’t a huge issue.
I guess you could say that I have an odd case of social anxiety and a case (as of this point) that is very mild. For the most part, I am able to hold conversations with random people if need be and can interact with them. But, I usually don’t feel comfortable in a classroom setting with a lot of people I don’t know very well or at all, I sometimes get very tense and “awkward” during 1 on 1 conversations, I sometimes feel judged when in public situations with a larger amount of people, I usually hate being the center of attention of a larger group and feel very uncomfortable, and some people such as attractive girls make me more uncomfortable than others. I mean, there is a lot there in terms of my social anxiety “symptoms” but like I said, I experience these things on a much more milder level than I used to. I used to literally be paralyzed by social situations and experience ridiculous levels of physical and mental stress/discomfort.
This is basically where I am at social anxiety wise – I’d like to become a lot more social and break out of my “shell” but at the same time I’ve actually made a lot of progress socially recently and am experiencing a mild case of social anxiety. And as far as breaking out of my social “shell”, I realize in a way that this is breaking who I am. I mean, I am different from most people as an introvert and I do think differently than the majority of “normal” people, but this is also who I am. I’ve already made some nice progress recently and I think that if I continue in this way and work with who I am, I can make even bigger steps.
My Not So General Anxiety
Damn am I bad when it comes to getting sidetracked by the internet! Oh, I’ll just do a quick search and…oh, that looks interesting. The cycle never ends! Anyhow, about my not so general anxiety. I think in my last post I was talking about how I was continuously experiencing butterflies in my stomach. Well, the butterflies have now left the stomach as I am not dealing with this problem anymore. I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was and it really was a bizarre experience. It’s funny because it’s one of those things that when you think about it, it happens. Like at this very moment, I experienced butterflies in my stomach. Another example would be me telling you that you are now thinking about blinking. If you just read that then you are self aware of your blinking which just messed everything up. Your welcome!
So, what is there to talk about when it comes to my general anxiety? I’m drawing a blank here which either means that things have been good or that I am going numb in the brain. I think I’ll go with the good and save the numbing for when I’m older, a lot older. On a serious notepad though, things actually have been good anxiety wise. My anxiety has been quite “normal” and calm. I still get very stressed about somethings and mentally kill myself by thinking about things I have to do over and over, but other than that things haven’t been all too bad.
Introversion And Deep Thinking
One thing that has been changing lately is my thoughts. As an introvert, I have always been a deep thinker and always find myself in thought. But lately, things have been different in a way. It’s a little hard to explain as to what exactly I’ve been feeling but overall I’ve become more self aware of where I am at as a person as well as where I stand in life. Sometimes thinking too much and thinking deeply is a bad thing especially for an introvert who suffers from anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, but this has been a good type of deep thinking and analysis for me. I’ve never been one to gloat or even pat myself on the back in my thoughts. Instead, I usually find a way to tell myself “not good enough”. However, for the first time in a while this type of thinking has left me feeling empowered.
When I sit back and reflect on my thoughts as far as where I am at as an individual, where I am headed, and the progress I have made internally (anxiety, social anxiety, depression)…well…it is a pretty good feeling. I realize that I am an individual and that I should accept me for me as well as be happy with me. Like I said, I really don’t have moments like this very often which is why I am trying my hardest to hold on to it and to use it as a source of motivation in order to keep progressing as a person.
Future Posts
As far as future content and posts for this site/blog goes, I’d like to work on bringing new topics to the table and turning my past experiences into helpful content. I still haven’t gotten around to starting the informational side of this website so I’ll need to get on researching topics and writing content ASAP. I’d also like to do more in terms of bringing fresh topics to this blog such as depersonalization. Lastly, I’ve really been thinking about dedicating a series of posts to helping others dealing with anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and other illnesses/problems I have faced in the past. Anyhow, I really do appreciate it if you’ve taken the time to read this and I think that I will now put an end to this ginormous post.
