Bright Lights and Feeling Depressed

I’m getting better at this already! I experienced something I thought to be worthy of writing about and I am actually writing about it right now without any procrastination. And technically, it’s only been about a day since my last post which is yet another milestone. Actually, I’m gonna have to be the party pooper at my own party as I experienced something similar to what I experienced today but didn’t get around to writing about it the first time. But other than that, I need a damn cookie for this accomplishment.

Hopefully, the topic of this post (or at least some of what I’m about to talk about) will be easy to relate to if you suffer from anxiety, especially if your anxiety is at a more chronic level. If it is at a chronic level, please don’t give up! Keep on persisting to try and deal with your anxiety and make it more manageable. It can be done. Believe me, I know exactly what it is like to feel so unbearably anxious/socially anxious to the point where it literally takes over all mental and physical function. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Please, though, do not give up on making things better for yourself. I’m not exactly sure as to why I felt it necessary to express my feelings for you anxiety sufferers out there – the urge to include my sentiment came over me and I just had to do it.

Anyhow, the reason why this post might be very relatable to those with anxiety is because it is a very specific scenario that I think anyone with general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any other anxiety related disorder has experienced. But enough of talking about what I’ll be talking about. Let’s get down to (I wish I could think of something other than business to say)…business.

Bright Lighting…Anxiety…Depersonalization

Just imagine how the following scenario would feel and try to visualize any discomfort you might experience. I may be alone in my reactions to this type of scenario but I’d like to get some input from anyone with anxiety who is reading this.

You’re walking along and minding your own business – you might be deep in thought, or thinking about how hungry you are, or trying to get a damn annoying song out of your head. Overall, you are at a pretty comfortable level in terms of any anxiety or discomfort. You might even go so far as saying that you feel content with your immediate situation. After some walking, you arrive at a door and subsequently open that door. Upon entering this door you are confronted with around 8 people who you don’t know very well. You’ve seen these people before, more than a few times, but your relationship with them is very limited. It isn’t as though you’ve just been shoved into a room surrounded by 8 people making for a very awkward situation. But, you still aren’t very comfortable enough to start talking to anyone of these people and strike up conversation.

Here comes the fun part. You are now forced to participate in a physical activity with these people. The physical activity will have you matched up one on one with another person, so things are rather personal. You then start to notice that the lighting of the room is bright, unnecessarily bright. It’s so bright that it’s hard to not to take notice every 5 five seconds and take into account how it is too bright. Also, the room you are in is filled with 6 more other people and all of them are moving around and causing a high level of noise. Some people are being obnoxiously loud and are filling the room with noise as equally as obnoxious. And as all of this is going on, you need to interact with the person you have been matched with one on one and maintain a certain level of social intelligence.

This is the basic premise of what I experienced today and it really go to me in terms of making me feel uncomfortable, anxious, and experience depersonalization. The reason why I felt this way was because I tend to get over stimulated in situations where there is a lot going on or a situation that is requiring an excessive amount of attention from one of my senses. As an introvert, someone who is highly sensitive to the world around me, and someone who deals with anxiety, over stimulation (mainly the bright lights in the situation above) is pretty much a nightmare for me.

Really bright lights are something that usually does it for me when it comes to making me feel uncomfortable and “out of it” from over stimulation. Here is a list of some of the things I experience when over stimulation gets to me:

• I feel out of it
• Depersonalization
• I feel on edge
• I find it very hard to interact with people
• Expressing emotions feels “fake”
• My emotional range consists of numb and noodles for brains

Basically, I feel very out of it, anxious, emotionally numb and kind of confused (it’s hard to explain the feeling), and I suck at interacting with people. You’ll notice that I listed depersonalization. If you aren’t familiar with this term then let me give you a brief description of what it means. Basically, depersonalization is a mental condition that leaves you feeling very disconnected with reality, out of it, detached, as if you are experiencing out of the body in some ways, like everything around you is different, like you aren’t real, and like you are in a dream state. When you experience depersonalization your reality changes in a way that leaves you feeling “weird”. It’s a bit difficult to explain and something I’ll definitely be covering in future posts as well as writing content pages for, but basically it’s a mental state that makes you experience thing much differently and makes you uncomfortable. It’s like taking a drug without actually taking a drug.

So yeah, this is what I experience when I become over stimulated. If there is anyone out there reading this post right now, I’d definitely like to hear your feedback as to what you feel like during these situations. I’m pretty sure this is rather common among those with anxiety but who knows, maybe I’m a one of a kind freak.

More Depressed Today – Bad Weather? Cold? Random?

The second half of today had me feeling more depressed than usual. A lot more depressed than usual actually because my depression has been really good for quite some time. Anyhow, I had an afternoon class to go to and I was already feeling pretty tired and generally annoyed because I didn’t want to go tot his class. I was a little uncomfortable during the class but the main event kicked in after class. As I was sitting there smoking a cigarette, I began to dwell on the fact that I have a limited group of friends that I hang out with and that I’ve lacked any real relationship with a girl for a long time. My thought process really started to head on a downward path as I began to think about how lonely I was and how badly I wanted to meet new people but couldn’t. I also was stuck mentally on the fact that most of my closer friends are 2 years younger than me. I don’t know why, but I always find myself beating  myself up about this. I think that it is pathetic or that it isn’t normal and it leaves me feeling ashamed in a way.

When I think about things more rationally right now I realize that I don’t have it too bad socially. Yes, I would like to meet new people and make more closer friends and yes I desperately want a girlfriend. But at the same time, I’m not spending all of time outside of forced social activities all alone as I was just a year or so back. So in reality, I guess I don’t have it too bad. But damn, when I start to get into a depressed mood I really start to get into a depressed mood. It’s a mental downward spiral for me. I’m not sure as to what caused me to think this way. Maybe it was the bad weather getting to me or maybe it was just my own doing. Anyhow, all I know is that being depressed and constantly thinking negatively about yourself is definitely no good.

Alright, I’m done. If anyone read this or skimmed it then please go ahead and comment. Don’t be shy. Say anything, anything at all!

Today Is The Most Depressed I’ve Felt In A Very Long Time

Today was pretty rough to say the least. Today was an emotional roller coaster. I had no feelings of depression at the start of the day but I was already feeling overly stressed and anxious. The reason why I was already feeling the effects of stress and anxiety early on during the day is because of a variety of different factors. There is something I need to do tomorrow which I have put off for a very long time, I am going to NYC for the first time on Friday, there is a lot of work that needs to be done, there are more than a few “business” dilemmas I need to deal with…seriously, I could go on and on. For a person who struggles when it comes to handling stress and anxiety, having all of this “stuff” going on is not good…at all.

And guess what? Things only continued to get worse. The arrival of my Mom was the literal arrival of my intense depression episode. It was just 5 minutes after she walked through the door when a heated verbal argument between her and I begun. Actually, it wasn’t much of an argument at all. It was a verbal assault and I was the victim. Some of the highlights of this assault included her telling me I was “fucking inconsiderate” (these were her exact words and I quote them because I hate it when my Mom curses for some reason), lazy, not able to do something I had already planned on doing, disregard my age, and many other colorful insults. And luckily for me, I took just about everything she said personally. At the time of the “argument” I truly did act maturely. I refrained from totally disregarding what she had to say, cursing, insulting her, or even overly yelling. I honestly gave my best shot at turning her emotional outburst into a constructive conversation but she wouldn’t have it. After a few minutes I gave up and went to my room where I began to feel worthless for the next hour and a half or so.

She had done an excellent job of making me feel like shit as well as having me over-analyze my every flaw. I was already feeling terrible on my way to my room but just as I sat in the very chair I’m sitting in right now, the depression kicked in. You see, I haven’t felt the worst of my depression in a long time. It didn’t matter though. The feeling was all too familiar as I became consumed by it. This is what the experience of “feeling depressed” is like for me. I can literally feel it come over me. It’s like this blanket that suppresses my mind and body further and further down a deep, dark hole.

As I sat there in my chair I began to think about all of the insults my Mom had used and I began to side with every single one of them. At the time, just about everything seemed unappealing. Everything around me was just there and nothing more. That’s another symptom of depression which is always there for me. I see everything differently. Everything is bland to put it simply. All I did was sit there with a blank stare. I became more and more depressed in my thoughts and the feelings of overwhelming sadness, worthlessness, and pity became more and more intense. I was “there” again and it was God damn terrible. I remember thinking that this severe feeling of depression was here to stay and I kept on thinking about chronic depression days.

When I sit here and write about my day today I am very thankful. I am thankful that I no longer suffer from this severe of depression day in and day out.

Feeling Tired Lately – Could It Be Depression?

Well, if you’ve read my “About” page then you know I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for about two years now. If you haven’t…well…now you know. Surprise, I suffer from anxiety and depression! Aren’t you excited? On a serious note, you should also know that I have been doing A LOT better since being diagnosed with anxiety and depression two years ago. I also mention this on my “About” page.

Now, when I say that I’ve been doing better I don’t mean that everything has been perfect for me in terms of my anxiety and depression. In my opinion, one can never totally rid themselves of any mental disorder. What I am trying to get across when I say that I am doing a lot better is that I’ve been able to keep my anxiety and depression “tied up” in a sense. Yes, they are there. But I am able to go about my daily life without them getting in the way. And even better, for the past six months I have actually been able to enjoy living life.

So, what exactly is today’s post about? And what the hell is with the title, “Feeling Tired Lately – Could It Be Depression?”? First of all, I’ll apologize for the two question marks which precede this very sentence because it does look damn strange even though I’m pretty sure it is grammatically correct. Okay, now that I got that out of the way I can start to do a little explaining. The reason why I was compelled to right this post up is because I have been feeling overly tired and unmotivated lately. Today has been the worst in terms of being tired and unmotivated. And being the extremely introspective person that I am, I’ve begun to not only notice this trend of mood but have also begun to analyze it. One of the first questions that popped into my mind today after noticing how ridiculously sluggish I’ve been (especially today) was, “Am I coming down with depression?”. I’ll admit I didn’t question my mood in that exact fashion. Depression is obviously not as simple as a cold and isn’t something that you “catch”. However, this is basically what I’ve thought about today. I’ve genuinely wondered if my depression might be worsening to the point of being a “hazard” in my life.

You see, I haven’t really felt the worst of my depression in quite some time now. It’s been at least a good 9-12 months since I’ve been paralyzed by the extremely depressing thoughts onset by depression. Fortunately, I haven’t had days where I lock myself in my room and repeatedly think to myself, “I’m worthless”…”I won’t amount to shit”…”I don’t do anything and I don’t want to do anything”, for a VERY long time. And as I think about this right now I am truly thankful for this. For anyone who suffers from depression you know just how crippling it can be and how much it take the enjoyment out of life. For me, life just wasn’t life when I was deep under the throes of depression.

With that said, two symptoms that I experienced back when depression was a real problem for me were tiredness and a lack of motivation. And this is exactly what I’ve been experiencing lately, especially today as I’ve mentioned before. Even as I’m typing I have this overwhelming feeling of clouded thought. I feel as though there is something weighing me down mentally and it is way too hard to think straight.

The worst part about it all is that I couldn’t even pin point what the cause of this “depression” is if I wanted to. It could be the increase in my marijuana usage. It could be because I am no longer in school and am experiencing my summer break. It could be because of the recent passing of my Grandmother. It could be because I have recently met a huge obstacle in terms of my income. I could go on and on. Do you see what I mean? It could be because of any of these reasons!

Want to know what I think though? I think it is because all of these reasons. And this is something that occurred to me as I started laying out all of the factors in my life right now. There really are a ton of different things (as small as some of them might be) which are either worrying me, draining me of energy, having me think about them way too much, evoking feelings of depression, stressing me out, etc..

This is what I love about writing. Writing is such a great way of expressing what you’re really feeling, letting go of negative and draining thoughts, and solving problems. I can honestly say that I have learned something new about myself and my current life situation by writing out this post. I now realize that my feelings of tiredness and my lack of motivation are a result of many different things. I think that when you let many different negative factors in you life paralyze you and leave you feeling hopeless in a sense, you are vulnerable to depression. Now, depression could literally be depression or it could be any other type of “flaw” that is relevant to you. This is why I think I’ve been feeling these symptoms of depression. There are more than a few negative factors in my life right now which has left me feeling rather overwhelmed. It is now time for me to deal with these factors.

What I plan on doing is trying to identify as many negative factors as I can and then deal with the most outstanding ones as soon as possible. Basically, I’ll be trying to work against the cause of these depression symptoms in hopes of driving them away.

So, what was the point of this post? I really couldn’t tell you. Frankly, it was really a way for me to vent. Believe it or not, writing this post helped me out a whole lot and if you actually took the time to read it all (thank you very much if you did) then I hope you could get something out of it.