Having Trouble Committing

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately and how this time of my life is ridiculously packed with stresses. I think about how I should be trying to have as much fun as I can and push my self into social situations, what I want to do with my life, how I need to get better at interacting with people, my need for a relationship, if I should go through with the traditional college route, and how it’s time for me to be more independent. It’s all very stressful to say the least!

Apart from this, I’ve had a very hard time committing to something that I truly want to pursue and make something of. Basically, it’s a method of generating an income for myself that offers huge potential, is entirely legal, and would allow me to truly “live”. The problems is that, for some reason, I seem to push myself away from actually doing. I find that I am extremely bad at taking steps towards my goals and instead I talk my self down and think about what could be if I were to put my heart into this. It’s a vicious mental cycle that starts with a lack of confidence in myself and telling myself that it won’t happen which then turns into me seeing it as an impossible dream that really isn’t worth my time or effort. It’s like I am at a mental block of some sort. Deep down, I don’t believe in myself and as a result I am unmotivated to take action.

In my last post I talked about the subconscious and how powerful it is. This is something that I think also plays a role in my current state of mind concerning my goals. So basically, I have the majority of my mind working against what I truly want and it’s up to me in order to make things right. The problem is that my confidence level is nothing to write home about and I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. Internal conflict sucks! Just had to get this out into writing because it’s something that’s been bothering me for quite some time and was really bothersome today. I still need to work on this site a whole lot more but I’m not going to make any promises as to what I’ll be getting done and when I’ll be doing it. Like the title suggests, I’ve been having trouble committing to things that help me. Go figure…

Just Thinking About The Subconscious

A topic that always seems to pop up in my mind is why we feel the way we feel and what dictates our motivations or lack thereof. It’s something that’s extremely interesting to me because it is something that can potentially have a huge impact on your life. I mean, someone who is constantly driven to achieve and get things done is obviously going to do more and attain success. On the flip side, someone who is constantly thinking negatively and frozen in their tracks when it comes to pushing for what they really want probably won’t get very far – instead, they’ll most likely end up coasting through life.

I’ve come to the realization that this is something I tend to struggle with. I’ve realized that I have a very particular goal set for myself which is anything but normal but offers huge rewards, and that I regularly think in a way that keeps me from working towards success. All of this thinking and realizing has led me to even more thinking, and even more realizing. I’ve garnered a new appreciation for the subconscious mind and the influence it has on our conscious thinking and ultimately our true potential. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression, I realize the power of the mind and the sheer influence it can have on our lives. It is because of this that I am interested in trying to learn more and take control of my subconscious thinking.

Conscious thinking is something that we can grasp in a way. You might think to yourself, “I need to go to the store and pick up some bread” (a pretty damn dull example, I know), and then you’ll go ahead and do what you thought. This type of thinking is something that we can realize because it is something that we are actively participating in and controlling. However, the subconscious level of thinking is hidden to us. And the crazy part about this is that our subconscious mind, while hidden to us, plays a major role in our conscious mind. Our subconscious will  remember a past failure  and when we are faced with a situation attached to that failure, our subconscious mind will inherently pass on feelings of negativity to our conscious level of thinking. This, to me, is extremely interesting.

The fact that our subconscious level of thinking plays such a large role in our conscious level of thinking really makes me want to investigate ways of maintaining more control over my subconscious. Anyhow, that all I really wanted to say as it’s been on my mind for the past few hours and I wanted to put something up on this blog. I’m feeling a ball of emotions right now (angst, anxiety, and a little depression/feeling overwhelmed) which is why I’m not fleshing this post out (need to work on my subconscious!).

Bright Lights and Feeling Depressed

I’m getting better at this already! I experienced something I thought to be worthy of writing about and I am actually writing about it right now without any procrastination. And technically, it’s only been about a day since my last post which is yet another milestone. Actually, I’m gonna have to be the party pooper at my own party as I experienced something similar to what I experienced today but didn’t get around to writing about it the first time. But other than that, I need a damn cookie for this accomplishment.

Hopefully, the topic of this post (or at least some of what I’m about to talk about) will be easy to relate to if you suffer from anxiety, especially if your anxiety is at a more chronic level. If it is at a chronic level, please don’t give up! Keep on persisting to try and deal with your anxiety and make it more manageable. It can be done. Believe me, I know exactly what it is like to feel so unbearably anxious/socially anxious to the point where it literally takes over all mental and physical function. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Please, though, do not give up on making things better for yourself. I’m not exactly sure as to why I felt it necessary to express my feelings for you anxiety sufferers out there – the urge to include my sentiment came over me and I just had to do it.

Anyhow, the reason why this post might be very relatable to those with anxiety is because it is a very specific scenario that I think anyone with general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any other anxiety related disorder has experienced. But enough of talking about what I’ll be talking about. Let’s get down to (I wish I could think of something other than business to say)…business.

Bright Lighting…Anxiety…Depersonalization

Just imagine how the following scenario would feel and try to visualize any discomfort you might experience. I may be alone in my reactions to this type of scenario but I’d like to get some input from anyone with anxiety who is reading this.

You’re walking along and minding your own business – you might be deep in thought, or thinking about how hungry you are, or trying to get a damn annoying song out of your head. Overall, you are at a pretty comfortable level in terms of any anxiety or discomfort. You might even go so far as saying that you feel content with your immediate situation. After some walking, you arrive at a door and subsequently open that door. Upon entering this door you are confronted with around 8 people who you don’t know very well. You’ve seen these people before, more than a few times, but your relationship with them is very limited. It isn’t as though you’ve just been shoved into a room surrounded by 8 people making for a very awkward situation. But, you still aren’t very comfortable enough to start talking to anyone of these people and strike up conversation.

Here comes the fun part. You are now forced to participate in a physical activity with these people. The physical activity will have you matched up one on one with another person, so things are rather personal. You then start to notice that the lighting of the room is bright, unnecessarily bright. It’s so bright that it’s hard to not to take notice every 5 five seconds and take into account how it is too bright. Also, the room you are in is filled with 6 more other people and all of them are moving around and causing a high level of noise. Some people are being obnoxiously loud and are filling the room with noise as equally as obnoxious. And as all of this is going on, you need to interact with the person you have been matched with one on one and maintain a certain level of social intelligence.

This is the basic premise of what I experienced today and it really go to me in terms of making me feel uncomfortable, anxious, and experience depersonalization. The reason why I felt this way was because I tend to get over stimulated in situations where there is a lot going on or a situation that is requiring an excessive amount of attention from one of my senses. As an introvert, someone who is highly sensitive to the world around me, and someone who deals with anxiety, over stimulation (mainly the bright lights in the situation above) is pretty much a nightmare for me.

Really bright lights are something that usually does it for me when it comes to making me feel uncomfortable and “out of it” from over stimulation. Here is a list of some of the things I experience when over stimulation gets to me:

• I feel out of it
• Depersonalization
• I feel on edge
• I find it very hard to interact with people
• Expressing emotions feels “fake”
• My emotional range consists of numb and noodles for brains

Basically, I feel very out of it, anxious, emotionally numb and kind of confused (it’s hard to explain the feeling), and I suck at interacting with people. You’ll notice that I listed depersonalization. If you aren’t familiar with this term then let me give you a brief description of what it means. Basically, depersonalization is a mental condition that leaves you feeling very disconnected with reality, out of it, detached, as if you are experiencing out of the body in some ways, like everything around you is different, like you aren’t real, and like you are in a dream state. When you experience depersonalization your reality changes in a way that leaves you feeling “weird”. It’s a bit difficult to explain and something I’ll definitely be covering in future posts as well as writing content pages for, but basically it’s a mental state that makes you experience thing much differently and makes you uncomfortable. It’s like taking a drug without actually taking a drug.

So yeah, this is what I experience when I become over stimulated. If there is anyone out there reading this post right now, I’d definitely like to hear your feedback as to what you feel like during these situations. I’m pretty sure this is rather common among those with anxiety but who knows, maybe I’m a one of a kind freak.

More Depressed Today – Bad Weather? Cold? Random?

The second half of today had me feeling more depressed than usual. A lot more depressed than usual actually because my depression has been really good for quite some time. Anyhow, I had an afternoon class to go to and I was already feeling pretty tired and generally annoyed because I didn’t want to go tot his class. I was a little uncomfortable during the class but the main event kicked in after class. As I was sitting there smoking a cigarette, I began to dwell on the fact that I have a limited group of friends that I hang out with and that I’ve lacked any real relationship with a girl for a long time. My thought process really started to head on a downward path as I began to think about how lonely I was and how badly I wanted to meet new people but couldn’t. I also was stuck mentally on the fact that most of my closer friends are 2 years younger than me. I don’t know why, but I always find myself beating  myself up about this. I think that it is pathetic or that it isn’t normal and it leaves me feeling ashamed in a way.

When I think about things more rationally right now I realize that I don’t have it too bad socially. Yes, I would like to meet new people and make more closer friends and yes I desperately want a girlfriend. But at the same time, I’m not spending all of time outside of forced social activities all alone as I was just a year or so back. So in reality, I guess I don’t have it too bad. But damn, when I start to get into a depressed mood I really start to get into a depressed mood. It’s a mental downward spiral for me. I’m not sure as to what caused me to think this way. Maybe it was the bad weather getting to me or maybe it was just my own doing. Anyhow, all I know is that being depressed and constantly thinking negatively about yourself is definitely no good.

Alright, I’m done. If anyone read this or skimmed it then please go ahead and comment. Don’t be shy. Say anything, anything at all!